Who: Beach House
When: December 18, 2015
Where: The Filmore/ San Francisco, CA
With: Chelsea, Katelyn
Of Note: This is not actually about Beach House
So, it's January and that means reflecting on the year that has passed, correct? We'll get this out of the way first: I totally did not write enough in 2015. I'm looking to remedy that in 2016 starting now.
Anyway, 2015. I feel like 2015 was a year in which I was not very kind to myself. I often felt out of sorts, and was far harder on myself than I needed to be (even for me) and was certainly more emotional than usual. Several times throughout the year, I noted that it was exhausting being me which, while true, is not something I've ever felt as acutely as I did this year. I've spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out why - why was I so much tougher on myself this year? Why did I not treat myself with the care and respect I treat others with? What on earth was I doing?
2015 was a year in which I wanted to try new things, be open to new experiences. I wanted to make strides towards embracing California. I tried on a variety of characteristics that, ultimately, weren't me and since I didn't feel like myself, I was really tough on the versions of myself I tried out. A lot of this had to do with "relationships". I Tinder-ed. I got ghosted and ghosted in return. I "met" people who only wanted to be pen pals. I embarked on a "relationship" that I knew from minute one could never be anything serious. I went on dates with people I knew I wasn't going to like just to go on them. I got caught up in a game of "what if" with an old friend. I spent months putting effort into someone that Taylor Swift told me I should have known was trouble when he walked in. I "put another in rotation" to supposedly make me less crazy about the first. I swiped and I 'sup-ed; I "hung out" and I made out. I spent a lot of energy on things that I knew couldn't ever be "real". I tried out "casual Jen" and "vortex Jen" and "progressive Jen". I tried to make myself fit the mold of what I perceived dating to be like in 2015 in San Francisco. It was largely a disaster.
And, on the friendship front, I tried some things too. Could I be "one of a giant gaggle Jen"? Could I be "don't commit because something better might come along Jen"? Could I be "I know this is important to you but I don't really want to so I'm not going to but then feel shitty about it Jen"? Could I embrace some of the California flake and laissez-faire attitudes towards friendship? Again, I tried to adjust myself to act like those around me and felt okay about some of it and decidedly un-okay about other parts of it.
So, what have I learned from all this? First, I occasionally need to give myself a break. But, more importantly, I learned a lot of things that I'm not. I'm not casual or progressive. I'm not a flake. I'm an aggressively unchill person and to act otherwise makes me crazy. I care about people; I want to find people to invest time and energy and resources into. I'm not good at games. For better or for worse, there is no bullshit about me. I don't have the capacity to be tepid or halfway about... anything. I want relationships that are real. I think that staying true to these parts of myself is going to make life more difficult for me, particularly in 2016 San Francisco. But, pretending to be things that I'm not made being me more difficult. So, for better or worse, 2016 will see a return to original recipe Jen- the Jen who cares deeply, gives so very many fucks about everything, commits and honors those commitments, and doesn't settle for anything but excellence from the people in her life.
I can hear you think, "So, good for you? But what does this have to do with Beach House?"
Well, Beach House was another thing that I "tried on". I knew it wasn't going to be my jam (too ambient, mostly) but they're having a moment right now and the show was extremely popular and I knew people that wanted to go and so I thought I'd try it on. As it turns out, it wasn't for me. I strongly believe it's important not to stagnate and it's important to try new things. I pride myself on almost always saying, "yes," but sometimes it's okay to say, "no."
So, what's in store for 2016? More words at this URL. Less casual, more caring. Less FOMO, more "no". Less trying to adjust Jen to the world, more just Jen.
When: December 18, 2015
Where: The Filmore/ San Francisco, CA
With: Chelsea, Katelyn
Of Note: This is not actually about Beach House
So, it's January and that means reflecting on the year that has passed, correct? We'll get this out of the way first: I totally did not write enough in 2015. I'm looking to remedy that in 2016 starting now.
Anyway, 2015. I feel like 2015 was a year in which I was not very kind to myself. I often felt out of sorts, and was far harder on myself than I needed to be (even for me) and was certainly more emotional than usual. Several times throughout the year, I noted that it was exhausting being me which, while true, is not something I've ever felt as acutely as I did this year. I've spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out why - why was I so much tougher on myself this year? Why did I not treat myself with the care and respect I treat others with? What on earth was I doing?
2015 was a year in which I wanted to try new things, be open to new experiences. I wanted to make strides towards embracing California. I tried on a variety of characteristics that, ultimately, weren't me and since I didn't feel like myself, I was really tough on the versions of myself I tried out. A lot of this had to do with "relationships". I Tinder-ed. I got ghosted and ghosted in return. I "met" people who only wanted to be pen pals. I embarked on a "relationship" that I knew from minute one could never be anything serious. I went on dates with people I knew I wasn't going to like just to go on them. I got caught up in a game of "what if" with an old friend. I spent months putting effort into someone that Taylor Swift told me I should have known was trouble when he walked in. I "put another in rotation" to supposedly make me less crazy about the first. I swiped and I 'sup-ed; I "hung out" and I made out. I spent a lot of energy on things that I knew couldn't ever be "real". I tried out "casual Jen" and "vortex Jen" and "progressive Jen". I tried to make myself fit the mold of what I perceived dating to be like in 2015 in San Francisco. It was largely a disaster.
And, on the friendship front, I tried some things too. Could I be "one of a giant gaggle Jen"? Could I be "don't commit because something better might come along Jen"? Could I be "I know this is important to you but I don't really want to so I'm not going to but then feel shitty about it Jen"? Could I embrace some of the California flake and laissez-faire attitudes towards friendship? Again, I tried to adjust myself to act like those around me and felt okay about some of it and decidedly un-okay about other parts of it.
So, what have I learned from all this? First, I occasionally need to give myself a break. But, more importantly, I learned a lot of things that I'm not. I'm not casual or progressive. I'm not a flake. I'm an aggressively unchill person and to act otherwise makes me crazy. I care about people; I want to find people to invest time and energy and resources into. I'm not good at games. For better or for worse, there is no bullshit about me. I don't have the capacity to be tepid or halfway about... anything. I want relationships that are real. I think that staying true to these parts of myself is going to make life more difficult for me, particularly in 2016 San Francisco. But, pretending to be things that I'm not made being me more difficult. So, for better or worse, 2016 will see a return to original recipe Jen- the Jen who cares deeply, gives so very many fucks about everything, commits and honors those commitments, and doesn't settle for anything but excellence from the people in her life.
I can hear you think, "So, good for you? But what does this have to do with Beach House?"
Well, Beach House was another thing that I "tried on". I knew it wasn't going to be my jam (too ambient, mostly) but they're having a moment right now and the show was extremely popular and I knew people that wanted to go and so I thought I'd try it on. As it turns out, it wasn't for me. I strongly believe it's important not to stagnate and it's important to try new things. I pride myself on almost always saying, "yes," but sometimes it's okay to say, "no."
So, what's in store for 2016? More words at this URL. Less casual, more caring. Less FOMO, more "no". Less trying to adjust Jen to the world, more just Jen.
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